My room is in complete disarray. Drifts of clothes limply hang upon the tan paint-stained carpet. There are boxes in the middle of my room, and a bin of LP’s. The complete poems of E.E. Cummings is sitting atop a few of my graphic novels, the ones that wouldn’t fit in the book box. One of which is called La Tendre Violette, I bought it in France in an LP/Graphic novel shop. All of the faces of my canvases are hiding against the wall, my closet and shelves are filled with a sparse conglomerate of items to be left behinds, a hat from when Obama was running for President and I was speaking on his behalf at community colleges, canvassing houses, and making quirky buttons. My stocking from christmas, a hammer, some paint thinner. A few dresses and skirts are keeping the hangers company in my closet. Soon this room will be empty. Soon I will be gone from this place.
In a way I will deeply miss living here. I have developed so much, it was time enough for me to breathe, to soak in my experiences and learn from them. The past is just an echo now, rather than a constant thrum, and constant ache. I am more fulfilled, confidant and happy than I have ever been. Not to be morbid or suicidal at all, but rather as just a passing thought, as an author has about characters. But now, would be an excellent time to die. By all accounts I have been given more kindness than most receive in a lifetime. It’s unfair to those that involve themselves in kindness that my own actions don’t equal what I have been given. I feel unworthy of what I have received.
In a way I feel as free as Tendre Violette, and as reckless. Boldly going on a path, and through the trees, a bottle of wine in my mouth, my toes curling in the moss, and a half-absent song in my throat. However I feel the bitter-sweet chill of change floating up my spine into my brain. I feel sorrow at the place I’m leaving, and hope for the place that I will be.
That’s what I have now that I have never had before. I have hope for the future, and an idea of what it will be.
Be strong and continue on my comrades of the great wide world,
The LP of the Day is
Fugain et le Big Bazar
Guess I’m just in a French mood today.